Lately, I’ve been feeling so sad again.
I feel mad. Angry. Hatred towards the person that I shared a life with for 3 years but dared put his hands and legs on me.
I’ve been telling myself that i am going to begin therapy but have not. :(
Some days I feel as if I am getting better but others, I’m just full of hatred for him and I HATE feing like that. Hate it!
That is not me at all. Even though he did me wrong greatly, I hate that I have hate for him.
My friends tell me that it’s okay to hate him. Be mad at him. Furious, but i don’t like feeling like this at all. Not for anyone.
I haven’t even told my family. I don’t even know if I should. I don’t want them to think wrong of him honestly.
And then the rest of the world- our friends. :(
They’ve no clue of how malicious and manipulative their friend is. Was and still is.
The mofo emailed me out of the blue about 3 weeks ago asking if I would fuck him if he came back to Houston.
Hell to the fuck absolutely NOT!
Where in his right fucking mind does he think he can have any sort of relation with me, let alone sex, when he decided to walk out of my life while I had no clue at work?!
My job for the meantime has provided to be great for me though as i love it and it diatracts me but god do I hate coming home. :(
And then the night comes and “what ifs” and “i wonder what he’s doing”s come and entertain my brain while I have my eyes shut tight so i dont cry under our blanket we used to share covers me.
I know I have to talk to the main person that’ll most likely make me feel better and that’s the one i kinda have a fear of telling for reasons unknown- my mom.
I have to do it and I have to do it soon because this sadness is consuming me all over again and fuck dammit, it sucks.
I hate that someone makes me feel this terrible. Especially knowing that it was someone i planned to spend the rest of my life with. Someone that helped me out through some dark and rough times. Someone that helped me move halfway through my country. Someone that changed me for the better.
I hate that that person that was very adorable and loving to me dared strike me not once, not twice, but numerous times across my body.
I know I need to talk to someone but I cant seem to find to have the courage to do so. And i only write here because writing makes me feel better. Plain and simple.